If you are a truly, madly and deeply dippy follower of Bangernomics, then whatever you are taxing, insuring and fuelling right now, ought to be the bestest ever car you’ve ever owned, ever.
Even if you got it wrong and it’s costing you a fortune to keep on the road, that’s all part of the roller coaster ride that is running an older motor. Getting it wrong should make you concentrate just that bit harder the next time. Ideally though your current Banger should serve as an example to others that motoring needn’t cost a fortune, or cause any hassle. Indeed my current drive is one of the best examples of the Bangernomic breed. It’s a 1995 BMW 525i SE Automatic that cost me £1300 eighteen months ago, and all it was supposed to do was get in the way.
No really, I broke every buying rule in the book with this one. All those things that Used Car Expert tell you to carefully check and double check were overlooked in the ten minutes it took me to find the dealer, the car, drive it around the block then get my card swiped. For reasons that are too complex to go into the BMW was intended as nothing more than an obstacle on private property to stop repeated trespassing. I had considered an MOT failed Vectra to do that job, but not only am I a complete car snob, I like to do things with a bit of class, hence the Bimmer.
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So having got in the way for a while I couldn’t resist the temptation to use the BMW everyday. All it needed was a little light service and an investigation of the air con. I knew it didn’t work and despite what every small ad says, ‘just needs a regas’, rarely is it that simple. Often it is something much more expensive than that, but in this case it was 50p washer. My local garage discovered this when they got a face full of refrigerant. So a result there. The front offside tyre was low on tread but it wasn’t as simple as a visit to the fast fit.
Firstly your local garage is likely to be as competitive, so I was happy to let them handle it, secondly never buy a car with metric wheels. In fact it is quite hard now to buy metric as most manufacturers realised that the run flat tyre technology that did away imperial measures wasn’t going to catch on. So instead of a £50 tyre I was lucky to get one for just over £100 and it was the last one in stock. Never mind the car was now legal and running sweetly and anyway I wasn’t going to keep the car long, it was just going to see me through the winter and the following spring I’d get something else. But something odd happened. I fell in love.
For a start the BMW 5 series from two generations ago still looks handsome from every possible angle. From it’s cross spoke alloy wheels to the tasteful beige leather trimmings and 10 stack Sony CD which the finest music system I’ve ever had. Then there was the superbly smooth six-cylinder engine and the way it confidently caressed the road. It was the perfect companion and obviously worth every penny of the £30K it cost thirteen years ago. And that’s the problem. £30K cars have £30K repair bills and maybe that’s why I was reluctant to investigate the increasingly jerky 5 speed automatic gearbox. Usually that means something terminally expensive is about to happen. Luckily I was put in touch with a local automatic gearbox guru. His secret location is off the sat nav, and he is so busy he rings you to let you know when he has a spare 30-minute slot on his ramp.
He is also the sweariest man in the civilised world. Every other word is ‘soap’.
“BM Soaping W would charge you a hundred soaping nicker for doing this soaping job.” Apparently the gearbox was out of oil, but you need a special tool that sucks transmission fluid into the ‘box with the engine running. For £20 I now had a brand new car. Brilliant. Mind you there was a moment when I did think that should sell before being presented with a £1500 repair bill. I described the fault, put the car in an ad at £995 and waited for the phone to ring, which never happened.
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I couldn’t have been happier, but then the air con went again. Another leak, but not a 50p washer, it was somewhere in the pipework and a leak test was inconclusive. So I asked my nervous garage to spend £30 on some sealant. Which worked! I then found a set of imperial alloys for £125 to counter a world shortage of metric rubber.
Clearly the BMW was here to stay and clearly I hadn’t spent a fortune. That is most satisfying, especially as there was no ‘soaping’ BMW sized running costs. So is this the bestest car I’ve ever bought ever? No, that’ll be the next one.
Words: James Rppert