ABBA famously sang about a Super Trooper. Isuzu's Trooper, on the other hand, is more blooper than super.
After just a few minutes on the road, a friend summed it up perfectly when she described the green-coloured Japanese 4x4 as the unincredible hulk.
Large, cumbersome, noisy, slow and uneconomical, there wasn't much to praise about the short-wheelbase diesel. When I realised the price tag was almost £20,000, I couldn't believe it.
To give it some credit, the three-door Trooper looks quite purposeful on the outside, with its squat stance and clean lines. On seeing the air dam on the bonnet, you could be forgiven for thinking the four-wheel drive is an impressive performer. But the excitement evaporates once you turn the key in the ignition and what sounds very much like a tank stutters into action.
Anyone even slightly interested in cars could tell you how much diesels have come on over the last few years.
Many are so quiet and refined you can't distinguish them from petrol engines. The Trooper diesel engine, on the other hand, is loud. When it's sparked into life it shakes everything in the cabin to its very core.
The company blurb proudly points out that the new Trooper has enhanced starting characteristics. Well, you could have fooled me. Instead of jumping straight into action, the engine whines and protests for a good few seconds before the pneumatic drill-like vibrations kick in to announce the beast is awake.
Steering isn't too heavy and is balanced. Handling is solid, but the Trooper doesn't feel too agile on the road.
If you're looking for a 4x4 for city roads this isn't it. But it's been designed to go off-road as well and will no doubt appeal as a rural workhorse. There's a button on the fascia that controls whether you're in normal rear-wheel or 4x4 mode. The Trooper also has a low-range transfer box which provides a selection of lower-ratio gears for towing, or difficult up or downhill manoeuvres.
The interior of the Trooper SWB 3.0 Duty isn't much to write home about. Cheap-feeling velour is the name of the game for the upholstery trim, and tacky plastic makes up the dashboard and fascia.
If I'd forked out £20K on this, I'd have been very angry. Isuzu, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry!
FAST FACTS
Isuzu Trooper SWB 3.0 Duty
Price: £19,995
Mechanical: 157bhp, 2,999cc, 4cyl diesel engine, driving 2/4 wheels via 5-spd manual gearbox
Max speed: 99.4mph
0-62mph: 13.5 secs
Combined mpg: 27.4
Insurance group: 14
CO2 emissions: 273g/km
BiK rating: 35%
Warranty: 3yrs/ 60,000 miles; 6yrs anti-rust